I’m not writing people off, I’m just so tired of always being the one trying to be a friend. If I have to do everything short of coercing my “friends” to spend time with me, I don’t want to be around them anyway. It’s only ever about what I can do for them and I’m sick to death of being used. Obviously no one wants to be with me for whatever reason and I’m not about to beg just because boo-hoo I have no friends. A person can only be ignored so long before they become the ignorers.
Last night mom found an ancient bottle of something in the kitchen. Papa had given it to her. So now obviously throwing it out means eternal damnation.
This is how I know I will never fall into my mother’s way of thinking.
I will never become a hoarder.
My future home is going to be gorgeous, inviting, calming, organized, and cozy.
At least I have my dad to commiserate with. We both understand and empathize with each other but at the same time, I have no one else to talk to in person about this.
It’s not for a total lack of trying.
One time this summer I just began to try to tell a friend I’ve known since I was little that things are difficult - not about mom’s hoarding, just about our family dynamic in general - and they literally checked their watch.
A few years ago I tried to explain to another friend that my mom is depressed, and they literally dismissed it like they didn’t know why I was telling them or why it mattered at all. “Well what does she do? Just sit around the house all day and cry?”
I don’t have any friends my age. I’m 25 years old and I have apparently chased every single potential friend away. Even if I did have a friend, I couldn’t imagine telling them the truth about my life because people have judged me so much in the past about much lesser things like how I was homeschooled all my life. Want to end a friendship with someone? Tell them you were homeschooled. I thought it was just in my head, but looking back, any time someone found that out about me it was over no matter what I did or didn’t do. College friends, work friends, everybody. It’s gotten to the point where the next time anyone ever asks me again, I’m giving them the name of some high school because it’s sooooo much easier than being looked at like you’re a total freak. So I don’t know how I could ever tell someone my mom’s a hoarder face-to-face.
The people in my life now have their own list of problems and I don’t want to add to them. It’s just so tiring because I’m always trying to pick up the pieces for other people and no one knows I’m the broken one too.
My grandma comes over everyday and when I’m home I feel like I have to stand up for my mom while she’s here because they fight about everything from why she won’t take showers or cook for herself anymore to why mom can’t pick up her stuff around the house. It’s pathetic how it’s just the same thing all the time. Then by the time my grandma leaves at 8:30pm after emotionally abusing my mom for the day, my mom has absolutely nothing left. Then I try to cheer her up like making her a cup of tea and talking with her because if I just hide in the other room she feels neglected. But in my attempt to smooth things over, she just uses that time to get angry at her mom, get remorseful about her life decisions, get anxious about anything she heard on the news and how this world is just going to hell… so now I have absolutely nothing left and it goes on like this every single night.
I know I wouldn’t have this problem if I just got it together and moved out but I have zero money, my parents have zero money, my grandma won’t even pay them for the groceries we buy for her, etc. See a pattern? My grandma’s a user, my parents are letting their lives slip away from them, and I’m guessing it’s hereditary because I’m absolutely paralyzed in this house and can’t move on with my own life.
Is it possible to divorce your family? I’m thinking of becoming the second person to estrange themselves from this train wreck.
My dad and I just never quit trying to stand by mom and make things work for her and for us… but it’s not noble or anything. It’s not some selfless act that’s worth it in the end… we’re just being totally stupid and getting hurt in the process. We’re constantly trying to keep her in check, and every time she falls back into one of her angry-at-the-world phases, we’re the ones she blames most for all of this. What’s the point? Hoarders barricade themselves on purpose and they are beyond help. I mean they can be helped, but if they don’t want it, then they’re beyond help from anybody… their families, psychiatrists, anybody. And that’s where my mom is at. Incapable of change. Incapable of being helped. Incapable of being reasoned with.
— the perks of being a wallflower
I am one big faker and I don’t really see it getting better. I don’t even know how to be real with people if I gave myself the chance. Everyone I’ve ever known knows the fake happy, fake positive, fake smiley side of me. I turn it on and off like a light switch and it makes me sick that I’ve kept up the lies this long.
Our friend let my mom and I stay at her house last weekend. It was brilliant. I just couldn’t believe how the stress was gone. It made me confirm my belief that if we were surrounded by beauty and organization we would be happy, and it wouldn’t just be moving our problems into a new place or anything. It also confirmed just how far we are away from ever living like that. I hadn’t slept in an actual bed since fourteen months ago when I went to California. Her house is perfection.
The week before that, Mom watched some show about food hoarders and then jumped into action cleaning her kitchen. Like that was the tipping point; that show just flipped a switch and she had to do something. Then she moved on to the basement and has made the tiniest bit of progress. And I realized something: you know that story I heard awhile back about the guy who divorced his wife even after she cleaned out the entire house and everything was wonderful? I can understand that. Completely. All these years… and now it’s just too little too late.
Meanwhile I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" for the first time and now I know why everyone loves it so much because it’s a really beautiful story. The movie’s amazing too. So many good quotes like “we accept the love we think we deserve.” I guess that’s one thing this family will never learn. No wonder there are two hoarders in this family. My grandfather married someone who stifled him, and together they stifled their children until one estranged himself, and the other became a full-fledged hoarder who then stifled her husband and daughter in return. We’re all just accepting this “love” that we think we deserve like it’s the only kind that exists and it’s absolutely the worst thing a person could possibly do.
If you’re a daughter, son, spouse, family member of a hoarder… just know that you sincerely, sincerely deserve better. It is not and never will be all right to live like this and no matter how much you’re tempted to give up your own life in an attempt to save theirs, stop what you’re doing, move the hell out, and go find friends like Charlie, Sam and Patrick.
God why don’t I listen to my own flipping advice…